It’s up to me and no one else to choose my path. It’s up to me and God and sometimes I forget to include God and go it alone. Last week I struggled emotionally because I thought I could go it alone. I wanted to do it my way so I let my mind drift back to the way it was before ALS. I need to let my past go and embrace today. It’s really hard for me some days. I need to stay here in the present and not worry about my future because so far I’ve been able to adjust and God willing I will continue to adjust.
My life is filled with so much joy even without arms, legs and a voice so I need to hold onto the joy and God willing I will.
Mark has said to me on occasion when we were worried or having a bad day, “As bad as this day may seem someday we will wish we had this day back.”
Yesterday I could move my legs to take a step and today I cannot.
Our kids were young when we got our first and only dog. My friend Sherry from work was trying to find a good home for her dog Beau and asked if we were interested. Our kids had been begging to get a dog for years but I always said no because of my allergies but listening to Sherry describe Beau I thought this Miniature Schnauzer might be a great fit for our family. This may sound cruel but three months of having Beau and listening to our kids’ empty promises about picking up dog poop in our backyard were too much for me. Beau was a good dog but our lives were too busy to have him so I resorted to bribery. I told our kids I would pay each of them twenty dollars if we could find a new home for Beau. It took me a while before our kids agreed to my plea but they finally did. We found a perfect home for Beau at Mark’s Aunt Lila and Uncle Jean’s house. Beau and Uncle Jean bonded like best friends and our kids still were able to see their short-lived childhood dog when they wanted to. Everyone was happy, especially me, because I was prepared to go as high as fifty dollars.
Jealousy can be ugly and I must confess that lately I have had a few jealous pangs. I’ve never been plagued with jealousy, which I am thankful for, but lately it has crept in and makes me envy people with more time. I want to be planning my life like everyone else and not my funeral. On the other hand gratitude fills me with so much strength and contentment that it quickly pushes jealousy out of the way. Every single day I get to feel so much love through your visits, your cards and your emails. I read your comments on my blog and wish I could personally call each of you to thank you. Each day my family and I are awed by all of you. Thank you. We love you.